5 November 2005
HUGE BLAZE IN KELKHEIM - FIRE BRIGADE IN ATTENDANCE
The British Club of the Taunus was blamed for causing a huge fire in a residential area of Kelkheim on Saturday 5th November, which eventually had to be put out by the local fire brigade. This unusual disturbance was compounded by the letting off of a series of loud fireworks which lit up the sky for a good 15 minutes just as the kids were supposed to be going to bed. The damage was estimated at several charred trees, a number of disused wooden pallets adorned with the Deutsche Bahn logo and some startlingly realistic human effigies dressed in scary masks and old stockings.
A local resident, Herr Dr Guy Fawkes, commented: "Every year around this time, our local fields are taken over by a nomadic folk with a strange unintelligible tongue. And as soon as we have thrown the gipsies off the site, the British Club comes in to take over. These people simply do not feel the cold, and if it pours down with rain as well, that just seems to heighten their sense of enjoyment."
Local police have begun their search for those suspected of organising the crimes, who are known in the murky underworld of the Taunus simply by the code name of "the Gang of Three". It is believed that the gang members, whose trademark initials "KB", "JB" and "CR" were found engraved in the smouldering remains of the firewood, planned for months to carry off their "gunpowder plot" under the cover of dusk. It was such an incredible and secretive feat of organisation that they had to abandon their loved ones for several Sunday evenings in a row.
But the police have already concluded that they had to have received help, probably from people who know them well. It is simply impossible that such a daring assault against a quiet Saturday evening could have been perpetrated by just three ladies, all with young kids to care for. In particular, they want to speak to Mike "Hardman" Harding who is accused of toasting some defenceless Bratwurst to provide succour for the masses, Roger "Demon DJ" Aze who created a distraction by producing some really classic sounds for the assembled crowd and KB's daughter Emma and friend Kevin who travelled from the UK to slave away all evening over several hot chip-fat fryers. And it didn't stop there: it is thought that up to 30 further desperados were also involved in the preparations, the setting up of the tents and tables, the building of a truly splendid fire, the taking of the gate money, the car parking, the cooking, the selling of the food, the dispensing of abundant alcoholic beverages and the clearing up the next morning (come to think of it, rather fewer got involved with that).
Someone must have seen them at work, surely someone must have talked to them. Police are pinning their hopes on the possibility that something must have gone wrong along the way. Maybe a representative of the local town hall got an earful from KB and JB on the Friday morning when they discovered that Süwag [local electricity company] had kindly removed all the electricity points from the site? Perhaps the power then went at the start of the event and JB had to give short shrift to the wife of the "on site" electrician who had gone AWOL? Or maybe the drinks lorry first of all broke down on the way to the site, then got stuck on the British Club bunting hanging tastefully over the entrance? No, it's impossible that an event of that magnitude could have gone without a hitch.
The final word comes from Dr Fawkes: "We're simply not putting up with it for another year. It's not as if we live in the dark ages anymore - we're going to put up some nice houses on the site next summer, so that will put an end to your fun once and for all. Maybe then you'll realise that you can't just go around causing large fires without letting us in on your strange British secrets".
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PS A big thank you to everyone who kindly volunteered to help (who know who you are), it really couldn't have happened without you. And a huge vote of thanks is due in particular to the Gang of Three, Karen Burdis, Jayne Burton and Caroline Roberts, who deserve the highest praise for organising a very successful and enjoyable event. Now we start the search for a replacement site for next year……
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Postscript: Unfortunately, the search for an alternative venue proved to be a bridge too far, even for our three intrepid ladies. So, as far as we know, this is the last report on the last ever Guy Fawkes night fireworks event in the Frankfurt area.
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