It's right back to the archives for these two articles, as I originally wrote them in 2007 while we were living in Germany.
We loved living in Germany - which was just as well, given we were there for so many years - and have just enjoyed a reunion weekend with our group of expat friends from that time. They reminded me about a certain"diplomatic incident" which occurred when I penned an article for the local expat magazine (circulation: 13.5 expats and 2 dogs). This was innocently conceived as a "puff piece" for a British bedding company alongside a paid advert for same, but seems to have developed into mini-rant about some German customs. Reading it back, I think it was actually quite mild, but it did result in some less-than-amused German readers contacting the magazine to complain.
Naturally I felt hurt - not for the first or last time - that my attempt at using British humour in Germany (aka "taking the piss out of the locals") had failed to hit the spot. Yet, just like our politicians, I failed to accept reality when it struck me in the face and instead decided to double down. So, I wrote another article in a mock-German professorial style called "An Anatomy of British Humour". Luckily this one was never submitted for publication, but it sure made me feel better at the time.
Both articles are reproduced below. Apologies in advance for any offence caused, I can assure you none is intended and I love you all dearly.
Postscript: Pleasingly, the bedding company is still thriving and now delivers worldwide if ever you're in need of a British bed. Lots of testimonials on their website, but strangely ours is missing: https://britishbedsworldwide.com/
1. BRITISH BEDS - YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM
No matter how much you appreciate the overall quality of life as a resident of the beautiful Taunus, there are some things about living in Germany that really get on your wick.
Why is it impossible to buy something as basic to the needs of man (and woman) as a bed with a double mattress?
Ask any German and they will give you the answer that a double mattress is one of unhealthiest things you could imagine, in fact right up there with drinking 50 units of alcohol a week or going for a romantic stroll in downtown Baghdad. Apparently it's the risk of sharing your partner's night-time perspiration that's the big problem…..and that from a nation that still smokes like a chimney. Get over it!
(My theory is that this rather odd phobia comes from the same stable as:
hanging the bedding out of the window in mid-winter
insisting all young children wear scarves and hats at all times of year except July and August, irrespective of the prevailing temperature
stripping off any wet swimwear immediately after climbing out of the pool even if it is sunny and 25 degrees
…..but I digress).
So, we were confronted with a major domestic crisis when our old bed finally gave up the ghost after almost 9 years living here. By coincidence, Karen and Alan were also facing the same problem, in their case after only 5 years. (I didn't quite understand that difference but maybe this is the proof that I've working away too much….but I digress again).
Desperate for inspiration, Karen and Jayne resorted to surfing the internet. And so they came across "British Beds in France" (BBF for short), a company with its origins in purveying good old British beds to the expat hordes in Provence and the Dordogne. A cunning plan was hatched for hiring a van and driving to an agreed pick-up point somewhere in the Alsace.
Then the triumphant moment: buried in the depths of the website, we discovered that BBF have just started a delivery service to Germany! Problem solved.
6 weeks later and our new beds were duly delivered to our homes in Oberursel and Königstein. The customer care from Roger, our contact at BBF in the UK, was first class and the delivery team was very willing to help with assembly in return for a reasonable tip. They even took away all the packaging.
The beds themselves are great and I have cancelled all business trips for the foreseeable future. We can only recommend the BBF experience to anyone who needs to replace their current bed and is equally turned off by the prospect of sleeping on a single mattress - however healthy this may be.
2. AN ANATOMY OF "BRITISH HUMOUR"
The following article is an extract from Prof. Dr. Dr. Richard's famous thesis on British Humour for which he was awarded his second doctorate in 1985 by the Universität von Burton. After leaving university at the age of 42, he enjoyed a brilliant career in industry with Blossnichtlachen AG, being promoted at the tender age of 58 to member of the Vorstand responsible for useless facts and figures. Sadly he was forced to resign only 6 months later following an unfortunate - and certainly not at all amusing - incident involving a trade union official and a pineapple.
Section 94.2 - British birthday cards
Another strange British tradition is to send "amusing" cards to family and friends on the occasion of their birthday. Why don't they simply bring them some homemade cake like any normal person? This custom requires some more detailed analysis by way of examples:
Example 94.2.1: This is a card (approx 8cm x 5cm) with a very rudimentary drawing of a man whose head is shaped somewhat like a television set, alongside some text:
“Is there more to life than watching sport on TV?”
“Yes! Watching sport on TV with a beer.”
This seems purely to confirm my earlier conclusions on the British obsessions with sport (Section 12.3), alcohol (Sections 1.1, 2.1, 3.1 etc. etc.) and watching TV (Section 82.5). While providing further scientific proof in the above areas, the card could not be described as amusing in an objective sense.
Example 94.2.2: This card depicts an English cricket team from the "Victorian" era, below which is written:
"For a moment we were in with a chance…..then the game started"
Inside the card, the sender has written a further genial birthday message:
"Sounds a bit like Charlton, doesn't it?!"
For the benefit of the uninitiated in English sporting customs, "cricket" is a game played by country gentlemen who take turns to hit a heavy ball through a series of small hoops using a large wooden hammer. This may be very quaint and strange, but is not particularly funny according to the Duden dictionary definition of this word. In addition, one has to cast doubt as to whether such an odd-looking team should realistically have believed they stood a chance prior to the start of the game.
Example 94.2.3: The card displays a tasteless picture of an old age pensioner with his bottom lip curling upwards to cover the lower part of his nose. As we have come to expect by now, there is some accompanying text:
"Getting old is: when you look as good standing on your head…as you do right side up"
We decided to put this theory to a series of rigorous laboratory tests using a representative sample of both young and old people. Even in the case of the older sample members, the evidence for the theory was in no way conclusive, the main problem being that the feet invariably appeared where the head would normally be. Hence, we concluded that the statement is factually incorrect, which we believe could expose the publisher of the card to possible warranty claims from disgruntled birthday card owners. And growing old is certainly no laughing matter.
Example 94.2.4: This card shows a technically quite accurate drawing of a dog, which has a bumble bee flying about 10cm above its head.
In this example the text is unusually short:
"Bee happy"
but unfortunately contains a typographical error, hence disqualifying it from any further assessment of its amusement content.
Example 94.2.5: Here we have a much larger card (approx 12cm x 8cm) which depicts three dogs at a medal ceremony where the middle dog is standing on a podium which is raised slightly higher than the other two dogs' podia.
The text states:
"No. 1 Dad!"
This statement appears to be particularly poorly researched. There is no reference to any empirical study undertaken of a suitably wide cross-section of the global population by an independent body accredited to issue a Gutachten in this technically complex area. Therefore I firmly believe that these statements should simply be discounted, as the subjective opinion of the card holder's five year old daughter Annabel carries no academic weight. However, it is undoubtedly the funniest example so far.
Conclusion: The birthday card examples provide further conclusive proof that British attempts at humour are doomed to failure by a combination of:
- failing to check simple facts
- incomplete or non-existent research
- spelling mistakes
- severe limitations in the subject matter (beer, sport, TV, dogs).
Why do they not simply treat life with the seriousness it deserves - like us?
(continues for 256 pages)
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